How to cry when you can't

Not being able to cry is common and is not a sign you do not care. Some of the usual reasons:

• You are still in coping mode. If you have had to stay functional, for children, a job, a crisis, your body may not let go until it is sure it is allowed to.
• You learned early that crying was not safe or not welcome, so it gets shut down before you notice.
• Numbness after a shock or a long stretch of stress. Feeling flat is a feeling too, and often comes before the tears do.
• Medication. Difficulty crying is a recognised effect of some antidepressants, particularly SSRIs. If you think this is happening, talk to your prescriber rather than changing anything on your own.

None of these force tears. They lower the guard.

• Get properly alone. A locked bathroom, a car, a long shower. Many people only cry where nobody can walk in.
• Write the thing you are sad about, in plain words, in the second person: 'You lost her.' 'You were not looked after.' Plain sentences reach further than descriptions.
• Use music or a film that you know gets you, as a key rather than a cause.
• Breathe out slowly and let your face soften. Holding your jaw and throat tight is often part of what is keeping it in.
• Stop trying. Tears tend to arrive when you stop waiting for them, often hours later and at an inconvenient moment.

You do not have to cry to process something. Some people release grief or stress through talking, writing, moving or simply time. But if you have felt flat for weeks, cannot feel much of anything, or the numbness is frightening you, it is worth speaking to a GP, because that can be part of depression and it is treatable.

If it has gone further than numb, and you are thinking about not being here, please talk to someone now. In the UK, Samaritans are free on 116 123, or text SHOUT to 85258. Outside the UK, findahelpline.com lists free services.

Common questions

Often because part of you is still holding things together, because crying was not safe or welcome when you were younger, or because you are numb after stress or shock. Some antidepressants can also make crying harder.

You cannot really force it, but you can lower the guard: get somewhere completely private, write the sad thing in plain words, use music that reaches you, and let your jaw and breathing soften. Tears often come once you stop trying.

Not in itself. People process things in different ways. It is worth talking to a GP if you have felt flat or numb for weeks, or if the inability to feel anything is distressing you.

Yes, difficulty crying and emotional blunting are recognised effects of some antidepressants, particularly SSRIs. If you think it is happening, raise it with your prescriber. Do not stop or change medication without their advice.

Because small things are safe to cry about and the big thing is not, yet. The tears are often about the big thing, arriving through a smaller door.

If the words come before the tears, put them here.