The abuse that leaves nothing to point at.
He didn't hit me
One of the most common things people say when they finally talk about a relationship is some version of the same sentence. He never hit me. Nothing physical ever happened. It was not that bad.
That sentence is doing a lot of work. Usually it is not a description of what happened. It is a pre emptive defence against not being believed, written by someone who has spent a long time being told they were overreacting.
Abuse that leaves no marks is still abuse, and in England and Wales it has had a name in law since 2015. Controlling or coercive behaviour is a criminal offence. It covers the pattern of things that are hard to photograph: being monitored, being isolated from friends and family, having money controlled, being belittled until you stop trusting your own memory of events.
The reason it is so hard to name from the inside is that there is no single moment to hold up. There is no night you can point at. There is only the slow accumulation, and the version of yourself you became in order to keep the peace.
These are lines people wrote about that. None of them describe a bruise.
What people said
I was in a room full of people and I have never felt more invisible.
ache
I want the kind of love that doesn't require me to shrink.
longing
I miss being touched without flinching. I miss trust being the default.
longing
I spent years making myself smaller to fit into someone else's idea of acceptable. Never again.
fury
The thing about being gaslit for years is you stop trusting your own memory. Even now.
ache
Some scars aren't visible. Mine are in the way I apologise for existing.
ache
Three years on and I still check the car park before I go into the supermarket.
ache
The loneliest I've ever felt was lying next to someone who made me feel like nothing.
ache
He didn't hit me. He just made me wish I was invisible. Apparently that doesn't count.
ache
I miss the person I was before I learned to walk on eggshells.
ache
I want to be held by someone who doesn’t need me to be smaller to feel bigger.
longing
I keep a screenshot of the last cruel message. Not to hurt myself. To remember why I left.
fury
I apologised to my reflection today. For all the years I agreed with the people who hurt me.
tender
You don't realise how small you've made yourself until you try to stand up straight again.
ache
I still flinch when someone raises their voice. Even if they're just excited.
ache
If any of this reads like your own life, that recognition is information. It is not proof you are dramatic. It is usually the first honest thing someone lets themselves think.
You can put something down here without giving your name.
Write it down